Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize