Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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