Your mouth is God's brothel.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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