my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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