I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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