My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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