I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
