im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What changed your mind?
Being sober
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
