please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
