just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
