Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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