Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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