ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
