hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
