What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
