Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
