i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
