Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
