went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
