a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
