9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
