"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
