The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
