I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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