Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
