I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize