You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
