Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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