I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
