Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
