Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
