I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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