my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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