I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There's always time for handjobs
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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