too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
