I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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