I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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