can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
