I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
