I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
