I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
