The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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