never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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