So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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