Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
