I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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