theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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