chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
