i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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