Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
