Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
