My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
