Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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