i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
