Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You pole danced in your parka.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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