I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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