if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
