I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
