Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
