i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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