Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can I color on your dick again?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
