You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize