Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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