Define "chronic" masturbator.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
