The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
