Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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