i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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