There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
